Dear Ady,
My fiancé and I have been engaged for three months and our wedding is in 6 months. We just found out that his parents are not going to give us any money for our honeymoon, as they had said when we first got engaged. When we got engaged we discussed their generous offer and his parents told us to book our flights and resort for our 5 day stay in Aruba totaling 2500. They both repeatedly said they were happy to give us 2 thousand dollars to pay for the honeymoon once it got closer but we should book our tickets with our money and they would pay us back.
Now, they have decided that 2 thousand is too much and are only giving us 500 dollars! If we cancel the trip, we will not get a refund but what’s worse is that I feel as though I can’t trust them. I am beginning to wonder if this type of “support” is what I should expect for the next 70 years or if this is a one-time thing. The bottom line is that it really hurts my feelings (and my fiancés) that they didn’t sit down and talk this over. Do you think we deserved an explanation? I don’t know if I should bring it up or just let it go. We are starting our marriage off with a credit card bill for a trip we can’t afford and aren’t even going on. Help!
- Angry At Her In-Laws Laura, Winter Park, FL
WOW!!! Laura, this is a very tough situation. First things first, the positive here is that you are marrying your fiancé and not his parents, so in terms of trust and support, you need to focus on what you will receive from him for the next 70 years, not his parents. It's you and him and he’s the one you should count on for support. That said, they will be as much a part of your life as the two of you allow them to be so I am proud of you for taking this step even if you feel like you’ve been burned.
Now let's focus on the issue at hand. You being new to this family, need to take the lead from your fiancé. He knows his parents better and will have better knowledge on this situation than you will. Does this occur often? Was this as shocking to him as it was to you? If the latter is the answer, then you absolutely need to speak with his parents. The problem is not the money you won't be receiving (a gift after all is given at the discretion of the giver, not the want of the receiver) but the impression that you and your fiancé have that a gift is being revoked. This you need to be able to understand and unless they are truly flaky parents (in which case, good thing you are learning this lesson now), I have a feeling that this may have been a massive miscommunication or something else is going on, which you should probably find out about. Unfortunate things happen to parents, too, and perhaps they truly cannot afford this gift for whatever reason, but you should open the lines of communication and get to the bottom of this.
So, now that we have discussed those too larger issues, let's move on to addressing the least important part of this problem, which is the issue of a honeymoon you now can't afford. All hope shouldn’t be lost…You still have 6 months until the honeymoon will take place and you have $500 gifted to you from his parents and it sounds like you were already prepared to contribute $500 to the honeymoon cost. Put that $1000 immediately towards the credit card debt incurred by booking your honeymoon. For the next 6 months, make some sacrifices (pack your lunches, make coffee at home, cook instead of going out; it is very easy to save if you are cognizant of your spending. I suggest you pay $100 per month toward your bill and that takes us to wedding timeframe. Guess what! You only owe $900 now! You will probably be given monetary gifts that will cover that remaining $900 and you can use this for your honeymoon.
I do think it's very important for you and your fiancé to come up with a game plan and tackle this together. I also think it's very important for you to honeymoon. That is a VERY special part of your new life as husband and wife and a time for reflection and quality time and relaxation before you jump back into the real world as a married couple. I know it's disappointing to think that you can't count on his parents for this support and possibly future support, but you and your fiancé need to count on only each other for financial support.
Hang in there, Laura! Get to the bottom of what happened, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find a way to go on that honeymoon. You will not regret it. I promise you.
Love, Ady
Great advice Ady!!!!
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