Ask Ady: Gift Giving Etiquette for Bridesmaids

Dear Ady:

As a bridesmaid in my dear friend's wedding, I am having some trouble weighing out gift giving options.  With the financial endeavors that come along with bridesmaid duties, am I still obligated to give gifts for the engagement, the shower, and the wedding?  My hotel, dress, shoes, and hair and makeup is already tallied at over $800.  Even though I love my friend dearly, the expenses of her wedding are beginning to weigh on me.  

What is the appropriate gift giving etiquette when the wedding costs are costly? 

Sincerely, 

Gift Guilt, Columbus, Ohio 

Dear Guilty in Columbus, 

Interestingly enough, I just had a similar inquiry a few weeks ago - so that tells me this is a common worry for gals on a budget committing to weddings these days.  So, before I answer this question, I would like to say a few words to all of our beautiful brides out there... 

Ladies - go easy on your bridesmaids.  Where you can, please either make items like hair and makeup optional OR perhaps keep a bit held back from your budget so that you can treat your girls.  Also, when choosing bridesmaid dresses, bachelorette locations, etc. remember your bridesmaid's overall financial status.  If you are well into your careers and have discretionary income, then by all means choose a Marchesa dress and head down to Cabo, however, if most of your maids are new college grads or embarking upon growing families and you know their dollars are tight, then perhaps make more cost-effective choices.  At the end of the day, the important thing is not where you go, what designer your girls wear, or whether their makeup is done professionally.  The important thing is that your nearest and dearest stand with you on the most special day of your life. 

Ok, now onto the question at hand...when you accept the honor of being in a wedding as a bridesmaid, you also except the financial responsibility that comes along with it.  A good average is to plan to spend around $1,000.  If that is something that will tighten your purse strings just too much, you must talk to your bride-to-be immediately and be open and honest with her.   Ask her if you can cut out the more personal variables of her big day like doing your own hair and makeup so that you can afford the dress.   This upfront conversation may also prompt your bride-to-be to consider a dress/shoes/etc. that are on the more affordable side.   Remember, though, once you say yes, you are on the line for the commitments that accompany your choice.  You can't go back.  

Regarding gifts, yes, you must give the bride gifts to any event you are invited to attend.  So, in this case it would be the engagement party, shower, and of course, the wedding.  Here are a couple of suggestions to help you not overspend on gifts.  

The first would be to see if the bridesmaids would like to go in together on group gifts for each of these events.  Perhaps set a budget of $25 per bridesmaid for both the shower and engagement party and $50-$75 for the wedding gift.  This will allow each BM to save a little money, but also by pooling your funds you will be able to buy your friend something more extravagant.   

The other tip would be to set a TOTAL gift limit for yourself.  For example, $150.  Spend less on the engagement party and shower and the bulk of your budget on the wedding gift.  You could also "build" your gift as you go along.  For example, if she is registered for 12 wine glasses, perhaps give her 2 for at each of the parties leading up to the wedding, and for the wedding gift, give her the remaining 8.  

The bottom line is this..  

Being a bridesmaid is expensive.  Period.  However, it's a small price to pay for the very special honor and the memories you will create.  And remember, your besties will do this for you one day (if they haven't already)!  

Brides - remember you are honoring your best friends, do your best not to burden them.

xo, 
Ady   

Wedding Wednesday: Flower Fluff!

It's Wedding Wednesday and today we are dreaming of happy, fluffy, flowers...

Be it a voluminous bouquet, a single stemmed bloom, or a lush centerpiece, flowers with fluff are a visual favorite of ours.  These pretty poofs make for an impactful finish to any decor plan.  

Fluffy flowers can be found year round and at many different budget levels.  While peonies are ideal in the spring, and especially May, and tend to be a little higher priced, zinnia's are at their best in late summer and tend to be very cost effective.   Garden roses, however, are great options always and mid-priced. 

Here are examples of arrangements and bouquets for each of these fave fluffy flowers...  

ZINNIA

Images courtesy of The French Bouquet Tulsa and Olivia Johnson

GARDEN ROSES 

Photos courtesy of WeddingWire and The Blush Blog   

PEONIES

Photos courtesy of Wedding Bee, our good friends at Rose Bredl, and Ashley Rose Photography

And, don't forget about the carnation.  While this poor gal tends to get a bad rap, when used wisely, she is a great cost-effective way to get full fluff! 

CARNATION

Photo courtesy of Floret Cadet and Martha Stewart Weddings

In fluff we trust, 

AE!!  xo

Ask Ady: Destination Wedding Gift Giving

Dear Ady:

My new husband and I are attending a destination wedding for a good friend in Mexico. I have received invitations to the bachelorette party and shower. Do we buy this friend a wedding gift also or is attending her destination wedding gift enough?  What is the wedding etiquette with destination weddings when the travel is over $1000?

Not to mention, I did not invite her to any of my showers? 

Sincerely,

Mrs. Newly-Married-And-Trying-To-Furnish-A-Home

Dear Newly Married, 

Well, you aren't going to love my answer, but yes, you do need to give your friend a gift for her wedding.  It is your choice to attend her wedding whether it be in Mexico or around the corner from your own home.  Regarding the shower and bachelorette, again, the gracious thing to do is to also give a gift. 

However, you do not need to break the bank.  My advice is this.  Commit to a TOTAL gift amount in your mind.  Let's say $100. I know this is pillows for your new couch, but think how you would feel if guests attended your recent wedding and opted to have THEIR flight/hotel be YOUR wedding gift.  Out of that $100, purchase something small for the shower (around $20-$30).  Perhaps a fun cookbook or kitchen utensils from her registry.   Also, purchase something small for the Bachelorette (panties aren't THAT expensive), let's say $10, and with the $70 that is left, purchase a lovely something to send as the wedding gift. 

Note, if you don't attend the Bachelorette, you can get away with not giving a gift.  However, even if you do not attend the shower, you will still need to send something.  

It is important to remember that the couple should be given a gift as a THANK YOU for hosting you at what will surely be a beautiful evening in Mexico, and subsequently as a token to remember you by as they start their new life.  

Just buy a few fewer lattes over the next couple of months and you will rack up your "gift budget" quickly.  

xoxo, Ady 

ON THE FLIP SIDE....BRIDES!  Listen up!  Be sure to go easy on your guests and manage your expectations!  With destination wedding travel, it may be cost-prohibitive for some guests give a large gift.  Remember, the memories with your guests are the best gifts you will receive.   

One more tip, do not invite any guest to more than one shower with the exception of your immediate family and bridal party.  Be sure to let your bridal party/family know that you do not expect them to attend all showers and that you do not expect them to give you a shower gift, at all.  

Ask Ady: My BFF may not make a good MOH

Dear Ady-

My fiancé just proposed in February and we have been working on selecting friends and family to be a part of our bridal party.  My lifelong best friend is the woman I would like to be my maid of honor, but I have a few reservations.  She always makes herself the center of attention, whether or not it is someone else’s special day.  I am very worried that instead of supporting me, she will make my wedding all about herself.  Also, my fiancé and I are very thankful to both of our parents for the generous budget they have given us, allowing us to have an open bar throughout the entire reception!  My best friend, however, also has a problem with alcohol. She would argue that she doesn’t but she has never been able to control herself or stop after she has reached her limit.  This isn’t only a concern for being the maid of honor but also as a guest at our wedding. After all of the work, time and money our families will put into our wedding and engagement, we both want our wedding to be an event to remember for all the right reasons.  Should I choose someone else as my maid of honor?

Sincerely,

Megan H., Columbus, OH

Dear Megan,

Well, this is certainly a tricky and emotional subject.  If you are concerned that your bestie will be a source of stress and not take her role of MOH seriously and respectfully, then you may be better off with asking another person to fill this important role, or perhaps not choose to title someone MOH at all.  However, you cannot make this decision without ensuring that you have clearly spelled out your expectations to your BFF.  Without having a conversation with her, a Pandora's Box of speculation will open for her to wonder WHY she wasn't chosen, as clearly a lifelong best friend is always the obvious choice for the role of MOH.  You need to be very upfront with her.    

This leads me to a deeper thought...it sounds as if you and your bestie have had years of these situations that seem to be unresolved.  Perhaps this conversation on the MOH topic will allow you to also share your frustrations with her as an attention seeker, and more importantly, your worry over her binge drinking.  If you are truly lifelong friends with mutual respect for each other, this conversation should make your relationship stronger.  If it doesn't go that way, perhaps you will have learned a tough lesson in friendships: As you grow older, QUANTITY does not always make for QUALITY.    

What I will caution is this:  You can never change a person, you can only change how you choose to let that person affect you.  Change must always come from within.  

Sending you lots of luck on this, Megan.  An honest conversation is your first step. 

xoxo, 

Ady 

Wedding Wednesday: Something Blue...

Everyone is familiar with the old adage, “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue” but few are aware of the history behind this charming wedding phrase.  The saying stems from an Old English Rhyme where the four objects are meant to bring the bride luck on her wedding day.  Each item represents a different blessing offered to the bride from an important person(s) in her life.  And here we bring you a little wedding history...

Something Old 

Symbolizing continuity within and support of the marriage from the bride’s family. 

This item traditionally is given to the bride by a female relative, but today, something from your dad, brother, or favorite uncle also works!  Could be anything small and easily worn on the wedding day.  A beautiful brooch on the bouquet from auntie, a bit of lace from mom's dress, or grandma's pearls are always a special way to go!  

Something New 

Gives the bride an optimistic outlook on her future as she begins her marriage. 

For many brides, this is her dress or ring, or another special gift given to her by her soon-to-be in-laws.  Something that representing her happy future within her role as a wife.  Again, should be easily carried or worn.  

Something Borrowed 

Embodies the happiness a loved one has for the bride.  

There is intimacy in borrowing a special item which your maid of honor, bridesmaid or special person carried on her wedding day with the blessing and support from that special friend of many happy years of marriage.  

Something Blue 

Represents the bride’s love and fidelity for her soon to be husband. 

Unlike many of the other objects, this is one the bride may choose for herself.  So, on that note, here are some of our favorite ideas!  

There are SO many chic ways to incorporate blue into your wedding day attire.  

SHOES (J'Adore!) 

Hey Lady Shoes Photo by: Amanda Julca Photography

Bridal Bouquet - you only need a few (or even 1) blue flower to make your statement!

Lora Ayers Photography

 We ADORE a Blue Accessory!  Hair, Earrings, Bracelets, ANYTHING!  

Haute Bride available at La Jeune Mariee

And while we love a blue accessory, we absolutely SWOON for a blue veil!

Gigi Burris Millinery

Want something a little more subtle?
Use blue thread to monogram or stitch a special thought into your dress. 

Beau-Coup Weddings 

The world is your blue-point oyster, ladies!  Go forth and conquer!  

xx, AE  

Written by Sarah Thomas

Ask Ady: Many guests have yet to RSVP!

Image & Design Courtesy of our Talented Friends at Ink and Ivory Design Studio 

Dear Ady,

My RSVP date for my wedding has recently come and gone.  Of 275 guests invited, only 175 have RSVP'd.  I don't understand what's holding the RSVP's up and I need to know final numbers.  I am getting quite frustrated with this rudeness and I don't know what to do?

Please help,

Losing It In Louisiana

Dear LIIL, 

Oh!  You poor thing...you are experiencing one of the most unnecessary frustrations of wedding planning, but take heart, your guests are not the only 'less than prompt' responders.  This is an extremely common (although, AHEM GUESTS, unacceptable) phenomenon.   

Here's what to do...
Since your RSVP date has now come and gone, it's time to start personally contacting guests to ask for their RSVP.  Do not do this alone!  Recruit your family and fiance to reach out, as well.  Divide the list and assign your helpers their contacts and a date you would like them to have the answer by.  

Now, here is the hard part, try your very best to put on your gracious host hat and stay calm and lovely when making your calls/sending your emails.  These folks are your dearly beloved and even though they have not followed proper RSVP etiquette, it is not your job to remind them of this.  A simple, sweet email/phone call is all you need to get your answer and move on to the next.  

Word to Guests - please take RSVP's seriously.  For weddings or any events.  Knowing whether or not you will attend is very important to these final, stressful, stages of planning.  Take heart and do your part - don't make that poor bride call you!  

xoxo, 

Ady  

Press! M&L's Wedding on Style Me Pretty!

We are thrilled to have been featured this week on Style Me Pretty.  Melissa and Nick's Spring Cincinnati Soiree was tons of fun to plan and they are an amazing couple!  It was an honor!

Here is a link to the feature!