Ask Ady: Can I bring my kids?

Dear Ady,

I recently received an invitation to a close friend's wedding (I am not in it) and it was addressed to just my husband and me.  I would really prefer to bring my kids since it's an out-of-town wedding, but I am not sure that that is appropriate.  However, I have heard that if a couple really wants no kids at the wedding, the invitation would read "Adults Only."  What are your thoughts?

Thanks,

Carrie G., Columbus, OH

Dear C.G.,

"Adults Only" is verbiage frowned upon by most etiquette experts (myself included) and is not widely used.  I encourage my clients to steer guests away from bringing children by simply not inviting them. SOOOO, let's assume for assuming sake that if your friend addressed the invitation to just you and your husband, she would prefer that just the two of you attend. 

Your best bet here is to book a babysitter for the night, kick your heels up, and have fun at your friend's wedding SANS kiddos.  . 

On that note, it is important to remember that their choice to not invite children has nothing to do SPECIFICALLY with your kids.  Children at weddings (when the couple is not prepared to host them) can pose several stressors on the planning - What will they eat?  Do they need a booster seat or high-chair?  How does this affect seating arrangements?  What will they play with?  And the list goes on...

If traveling without your children to the wedding is not possible, perhaps call the hotel and inquire about a babysitting service on-site.  This may be the best of both worlds for you.  The kids are close to you, but you and hubby will also be (mostly) free to enjoy an adult evening.  Hotel-recommended sitters are most often insured and CPR-trained and come with the *good faith* of the hotel, so they are a very safe option.  

However, as a last last LAST resort, and only if you are EXTREMELY close with this bride, you may want to have a simple conversation with her.  It is best to call your friend (rather than e-mail) and let her know your predicament and ask her gently if she would be amenable to allowing your kids to attend her wedding.  It would also be kind to allow her time to think on this before answering.  Be sure to let her know (and 110% follow through) that you will be entirely responsible for the comfort of your children.  Meaning - you will provide their dinner, share your two seats with them, make sure that they are entertained and well-behaved and that she WILL NOT have to worry about or incur cost for them. If she does allow your children to attend, it would be gracious to give the couple an additional gift just from the kids.   However do be prepared, she may choose to stand-firm on "no children," and you must accept her choice good-naturedly.

My vote?  Option 1 or 2. 

- Ady