Ask Ady: I Wasn't Included on the Save the Date!

Dear Ady,

My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year and we recently learned a friend of his got engaged.  I have only met his friend a few times and have never met his fiance. We received the save the date for their wedding and it's in Mexico!  We live in Hoboken, [New Jersey] but think going to their wedding will be great as long as we can plan ahead financially.  Here's the thing - I wasn't included on the save the date.  Is this customary?   I'm not sure what to think or how to plan. 

As a side note and relevant to my question, we were planning to take a vacation in the upcoming year anyway so my bf said if I don't go to the wedding he wouldn't go because we couldn't afford to do both.  We just aren't sure how to proceed with our plans.  I hope you have some insight.

Thanks, 

Melissa, Hoboken, NJ 

Hi Melissa,

These are very valid concerns.  First and foremost, as a couple who lives together and is in a serious committed relationship, you SHOULD have been included on the save the date by name.   However, my gut tells me that this may have been an oversight - remember wedding planning is very stressful and procuring guest list names is often quite detailed and daunting.  When the groom submits his list to his fiancé he sometimes isn't as diligent in creating the list with all the titles and inclusions that we ladies know to be correct. 

It is likely that the groom simply forgot or didn’t realize that there is a specific etiquette.  As an example of how easily this can happen, my husband misspelled names of guests and simply forgot to  invite several people to our wedding and trust me, I prodded him like no other.  It's quite embarrassing, but the gentleman just don't know! 

 SO - I would encourage your BF to contact his pal to confirm that this indeed was a simple (and forgivable) oversight.  If this is the case - GO and HAVE FUN!   

 However, if the couple's intention is to only invite your boyfriend, this is another matter entirely.   Let's not speculate the reasons why, let's simply think through what this means for you.   As a couple (and one who sounds quite serious) you need to decide what will be best for both of you.  And if that means that your boyfriend chooses not to travel all the way to Mexico alone and to use your vacation funds on this particular wedding, well then that is the risk this couple ran when they did not invite the entire entity. 

I hope this helps,

Ady