Ask Ady: Columbus Bridal Show 2014

Something new for Ask Ady...

We bring you a little segment from the AE presentation at the Columbus Bridal Show 2014  

We were SO flattered to present the "Do's and Don'ts of "I Do's."  

The Greater Columbus Convention Center gathered a curious crowd which provided us the forum for our very first live segment of Ask Ady!  

A big AE X&O to Columbus Bride for having us!

Ask Ady: Cash Bar v. Hosted Bar

Dear Ady,

One of my good friends is in the middle of planning her wedding.  Sometimes she will ask for my advice on certain issues, as I have a very large family and have been a guest at many many receptions.  In a recent conversation, she had asked for my thoughts on hosting a cash bar at her wedding (which she is currently planning on).  In my opinion, I would not expect my guests to pay for a drink at my house, and therefore, I would not expect my friends and family to pay for a drink at my wedding.  Weddings are already expensive, and I know that adding in alcohol only makes those dollar signs go up, but are there any other opinions to make an open bar less expensive?  What are you thoughts on hosting a cash bar at a wedding?


Thanks for any advice,

Grace
Savannah, GA

Dear Grace, 

Ah yes, the cash bar conundrum.  Your instincts (and adherence to appropriate etiquette) are correct.  While offering a cash bar may seem like a great money saving option, it's terrible for your friend's PR.  If she TRULY cannot afford to provide alcohol for her guests, then I would recommend that she not serve it at her reception, at all.  Perhaps there is a bar in the venue open to the public that thirsty guests can visit if they need a drink - she should spread the word that this is the case so that guests are prepared for a dry(ish) wedding.  

She may also want to consider changing the format of her wedding.  If she is planning a sit-down dinner in the evening, perhaps it becomes a heavy hors d'oeuvres party which will free up dollars to include a bar.  Or perhaps, she hosts a beautiful brunch with just a bloody mary and mimosa bar.  

However, if she can eek out some dollars here and there to offer alcoholic beverages at her evening wedding, that is the way to go.  Even if it's just beer and inexpensive wine.  Guests will remember a cash bar long-after they will ever remember decor, the cake, favors, and other accoutrements so perhaps she reduces her budget for these items to allow for a hosted bar.  

Assuming that her wedding is still some time away, I would also suggest that she start saving monthly for the bar expenses.  Refraining from buying those new jeans here, or having a steak dinner there, will quickly add up to a nice little nest-egg to use toward her bar costs.  

The bottom line is this, most guests want to have an adult beverages at weddings.  Period.  Of these guests, few will feel warm and fuzzy about footing the bill.  Double Period. 

Grace - tread lightly when discussing this with your friend.  She may not take it well. And if she does go forth with a cash bar, I would recommend you carry a well-appointed flask in your evening bag.  

Good luck!

-Ady

Ask Ady:

Dear Ady,

I am a member of the bridal party in an upcoming fall wedding.  In regards to thanking the bride and groom, I have always wondered what the appropriate etiquette is for bridal party members after the festivities are over.  Is one to thank the bride and groom for having you participate in the special time in lives?  And, if bridal party gifts are given, is a thank you gesture necessary (something other than letting them know how appreciative you are in the moment)?  

Sincerely, 

Mary-Elle, Cincinnati, OH

Dear ME, 

While it is not necessary to send a thank-you for a thank-you, it is a lovely gesture to share your gratitude at having been a part of their special day.  This can be handled by a note post-festivities, as part of the sentiment in the card accompanying their gift, or by a special note to the bride/groom on the wedding day if a gift has been sent in advance. 

However, it IS appropriate (and often times forgotten) to thank the hosts for the wedding they hosted which you enjoyed.  Sending a note of thanks and cheer to the hosts (for a wedding or any event) is sure to make you stand out as a gracious guest and will ensure future invitations. 

A good rule of thumb...when in doubt, send a note.  At the very least, you will brighten the receivers day.  Everyone loves to receive a sweet piece of mail.   

xo, 

Ady 

Ask Ady: Destination Wedding Gift Giving

Dear Ady:

My new husband and I are attending a destination wedding for a good friend in Mexico. I have received invitations to the bachelorette party and shower. Do we buy this friend a wedding gift also or is attending her destination wedding gift enough?  What is the wedding etiquette with destination weddings when the travel is over $1000?

Not to mention, I did not invite her to any of my showers? 

Sincerely,

Mrs. Newly-Married-And-Trying-To-Furnish-A-Home

Dear Newly Married, 

Well, you aren't going to love my answer, but yes, you do need to give your friend a gift for her wedding.  It is your choice to attend her wedding whether it be in Mexico or around the corner from your own home.  Regarding the shower and bachelorette, again, the gracious thing to do is to also give a gift. 

However, you do not need to break the bank.  My advice is this.  Commit to a TOTAL gift amount in your mind.  Let's say $100. I know this is pillows for your new couch, but think how you would feel if guests attended your recent wedding and opted to have THEIR flight/hotel be YOUR wedding gift.  Out of that $100, purchase something small for the shower (around $20-$30).  Perhaps a fun cookbook or kitchen utensils from her registry.   Also, purchase something small for the Bachelorette (panties aren't THAT expensive), let's say $10, and with the $70 that is left, purchase a lovely something to send as the wedding gift. 

Note, if you don't attend the Bachelorette, you can get away with not giving a gift.  However, even if you do not attend the shower, you will still need to send something.  

It is important to remember that the couple should be given a gift as a THANK YOU for hosting you at what will surely be a beautiful evening in Mexico, and subsequently as a token to remember you by as they start their new life.  

Just buy a few fewer lattes over the next couple of months and you will rack up your "gift budget" quickly.  

xoxo, Ady 

ON THE FLIP SIDE....BRIDES!  Listen up!  Be sure to go easy on your guests and manage your expectations!  With destination wedding travel, it may be cost-prohibitive for some guests give a large gift.  Remember, the memories with your guests are the best gifts you will receive.   

One more tip, do not invite any guest to more than one shower with the exception of your immediate family and bridal party.  Be sure to let your bridal party/family know that you do not expect them to attend all showers and that you do not expect them to give you a shower gift, at all.  

Ask Ady: My BFF may not make a good MOH

Dear Ady-

My fiancé just proposed in February and we have been working on selecting friends and family to be a part of our bridal party.  My lifelong best friend is the woman I would like to be my maid of honor, but I have a few reservations.  She always makes herself the center of attention, whether or not it is someone else’s special day.  I am very worried that instead of supporting me, she will make my wedding all about herself.  Also, my fiancé and I are very thankful to both of our parents for the generous budget they have given us, allowing us to have an open bar throughout the entire reception!  My best friend, however, also has a problem with alcohol. She would argue that she doesn’t but she has never been able to control herself or stop after she has reached her limit.  This isn’t only a concern for being the maid of honor but also as a guest at our wedding. After all of the work, time and money our families will put into our wedding and engagement, we both want our wedding to be an event to remember for all the right reasons.  Should I choose someone else as my maid of honor?

Sincerely,

Megan H., Columbus, OH

Dear Megan,

Well, this is certainly a tricky and emotional subject.  If you are concerned that your bestie will be a source of stress and not take her role of MOH seriously and respectfully, then you may be better off with asking another person to fill this important role, or perhaps not choose to title someone MOH at all.  However, you cannot make this decision without ensuring that you have clearly spelled out your expectations to your BFF.  Without having a conversation with her, a Pandora's Box of speculation will open for her to wonder WHY she wasn't chosen, as clearly a lifelong best friend is always the obvious choice for the role of MOH.  You need to be very upfront with her.    

This leads me to a deeper thought...it sounds as if you and your bestie have had years of these situations that seem to be unresolved.  Perhaps this conversation on the MOH topic will allow you to also share your frustrations with her as an attention seeker, and more importantly, your worry over her binge drinking.  If you are truly lifelong friends with mutual respect for each other, this conversation should make your relationship stronger.  If it doesn't go that way, perhaps you will have learned a tough lesson in friendships: As you grow older, QUANTITY does not always make for QUALITY.    

What I will caution is this:  You can never change a person, you can only change how you choose to let that person affect you.  Change must always come from within.  

Sending you lots of luck on this, Megan.  An honest conversation is your first step. 

xoxo, 

Ady