Ask Ady: Gift Giving Etiquette for Bridesmaids

Dear Ady:

As a bridesmaid in my dear friend's wedding, I am having some trouble weighing out gift giving options.  With the financial endeavors that come along with bridesmaid duties, am I still obligated to give gifts for the engagement, the shower, and the wedding?  My hotel, dress, shoes, and hair and makeup is already tallied at over $800.  Even though I love my friend dearly, the expenses of her wedding are beginning to weigh on me.  

What is the appropriate gift giving etiquette when the wedding costs are costly? 

Sincerely, 

Gift Guilt, Columbus, Ohio 

Dear Guilty in Columbus, 

Interestingly enough, I just had a similar inquiry a few weeks ago - so that tells me this is a common worry for gals on a budget committing to weddings these days.  So, before I answer this question, I would like to say a few words to all of our beautiful brides out there... 

Ladies - go easy on your bridesmaids.  Where you can, please either make items like hair and makeup optional OR perhaps keep a bit held back from your budget so that you can treat your girls.  Also, when choosing bridesmaid dresses, bachelorette locations, etc. remember your bridesmaid's overall financial status.  If you are well into your careers and have discretionary income, then by all means choose a Marchesa dress and head down to Cabo, however, if most of your maids are new college grads or embarking upon growing families and you know their dollars are tight, then perhaps make more cost-effective choices.  At the end of the day, the important thing is not where you go, what designer your girls wear, or whether their makeup is done professionally.  The important thing is that your nearest and dearest stand with you on the most special day of your life. 

Ok, now onto the question at hand...when you accept the honor of being in a wedding as a bridesmaid, you also except the financial responsibility that comes along with it.  A good average is to plan to spend around $1,000.  If that is something that will tighten your purse strings just too much, you must talk to your bride-to-be immediately and be open and honest with her.   Ask her if you can cut out the more personal variables of her big day like doing your own hair and makeup so that you can afford the dress.   This upfront conversation may also prompt your bride-to-be to consider a dress/shoes/etc. that are on the more affordable side.   Remember, though, once you say yes, you are on the line for the commitments that accompany your choice.  You can't go back.  

Regarding gifts, yes, you must give the bride gifts to any event you are invited to attend.  So, in this case it would be the engagement party, shower, and of course, the wedding.  Here are a couple of suggestions to help you not overspend on gifts.  

The first would be to see if the bridesmaids would like to go in together on group gifts for each of these events.  Perhaps set a budget of $25 per bridesmaid for both the shower and engagement party and $50-$75 for the wedding gift.  This will allow each BM to save a little money, but also by pooling your funds you will be able to buy your friend something more extravagant.   

The other tip would be to set a TOTAL gift limit for yourself.  For example, $150.  Spend less on the engagement party and shower and the bulk of your budget on the wedding gift.  You could also "build" your gift as you go along.  For example, if she is registered for 12 wine glasses, perhaps give her 2 for at each of the parties leading up to the wedding, and for the wedding gift, give her the remaining 8.  

The bottom line is this..  

Being a bridesmaid is expensive.  Period.  However, it's a small price to pay for the very special honor and the memories you will create.  And remember, your besties will do this for you one day (if they haven't already)!  

Brides - remember you are honoring your best friends, do your best not to burden them.

xo, 
Ady   

Ask Ady: Destination Wedding Gift Giving

Dear Ady:

My new husband and I are attending a destination wedding for a good friend in Mexico. I have received invitations to the bachelorette party and shower. Do we buy this friend a wedding gift also or is attending her destination wedding gift enough?  What is the wedding etiquette with destination weddings when the travel is over $1000?

Not to mention, I did not invite her to any of my showers? 

Sincerely,

Mrs. Newly-Married-And-Trying-To-Furnish-A-Home

Dear Newly Married, 

Well, you aren't going to love my answer, but yes, you do need to give your friend a gift for her wedding.  It is your choice to attend her wedding whether it be in Mexico or around the corner from your own home.  Regarding the shower and bachelorette, again, the gracious thing to do is to also give a gift. 

However, you do not need to break the bank.  My advice is this.  Commit to a TOTAL gift amount in your mind.  Let's say $100. I know this is pillows for your new couch, but think how you would feel if guests attended your recent wedding and opted to have THEIR flight/hotel be YOUR wedding gift.  Out of that $100, purchase something small for the shower (around $20-$30).  Perhaps a fun cookbook or kitchen utensils from her registry.   Also, purchase something small for the Bachelorette (panties aren't THAT expensive), let's say $10, and with the $70 that is left, purchase a lovely something to send as the wedding gift. 

Note, if you don't attend the Bachelorette, you can get away with not giving a gift.  However, even if you do not attend the shower, you will still need to send something.  

It is important to remember that the couple should be given a gift as a THANK YOU for hosting you at what will surely be a beautiful evening in Mexico, and subsequently as a token to remember you by as they start their new life.  

Just buy a few fewer lattes over the next couple of months and you will rack up your "gift budget" quickly.  

xoxo, Ady 

ON THE FLIP SIDE....BRIDES!  Listen up!  Be sure to go easy on your guests and manage your expectations!  With destination wedding travel, it may be cost-prohibitive for some guests give a large gift.  Remember, the memories with your guests are the best gifts you will receive.   

One more tip, do not invite any guest to more than one shower with the exception of your immediate family and bridal party.  Be sure to let your bridal party/family know that you do not expect them to attend all showers and that you do not expect them to give you a shower gift, at all.